She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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