worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
im holly from the hills drunk
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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