Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
