I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
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i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
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Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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