So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
