did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize