I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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