im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
