I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
