So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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