I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
