i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
