If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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