i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
