i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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