I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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