my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
