Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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