I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Randomize
