so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
