Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
