I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
