just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
