Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
