handjob tips. give me some.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
