dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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