It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
If its not for food we ain't going out.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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