There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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