You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
