i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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