Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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