That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
