my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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