Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
