the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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