You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
