Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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