I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
