the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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