I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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