im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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