I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
