you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
