Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
