I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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