Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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