Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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