I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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