the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
The power of my boobs compel you
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
