Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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