I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
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I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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