you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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