he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
